What I Once Was

It is one of the greatest reflections to ask who you are now and how much you’ve changed.

Over the many years of my life, I find this thought in my mind. It’s kind of like a self-evaluation, but much like any evaluations, it doesn’t help in getting things done, only to show you that time has passed and if it passed well.

There are many variations to this as well, questions like “If I was in this situation from that past point in my life, would I do things differently?”. The truth is, we can never tell. There are also some points where people tell you, “You’ve changed” or “You seem to be doing better.”

No one really knows you as well as you know yourself. Everyone else sees only an outline of you. A mere silhouette, a characteristic that can be put into words wherein inside is like a churning engine, waiting, changing. Even your closest friends can’t tell the difference.

It happens so gradually that even when you look in the mirror and think about yourself a year ago. It’s not the same.

That’s who I was, and this is who I am.

via Daily Prompt: Silhouette


On Free Time and Rest Days

It has come to one of those days when I whine about my adulthood and complain that I no longer have free time. This is also the time that it is mandatory to have a wake-up call of reality.

Contemplating on this dilemma, I looked back on what I used to do over the years when I did have my free time. Did I do productive things? Not really. Most of them involved lying in bed and watching video after video on Youtube. And repeating the same video again when I felt like recalling them. Last year’s vacation was fun for two weeks but the days that followed until its end was boring as always. Weekends tend to run the same every week, doing whatever for time-wasting leisure.

I reflected on why that is. Whenever I am busy, I always think of free time as a treasure that one looks forward to getting every week. But once I get there, I become overwhelmed with the feeling of “okay, what now?”

But… I wanted to do so many things! It’s my day, and I decide on the endless possibilities!

And THAT freedom is almost a prison in itself. Your day, your choice. And I find yourself disappointed, as your day became endless scrolling through Facebook.

Did you ever get that overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to do due to the vast choices? Do I clean my room? Do I go out with friends? Do I spend my mornings walking or my afternoons writing this post for a blog?

It’s about time to be reflective of this treasure to better accommodate my life’s free space.

I’m fine.


We become sad. At times. And we feel the most sadness when we start to tear up and cry. We cry when we are left alone at school, or when we hit ourselves over the head with a ball as a child. We cry when we fly alone to go to college. We cry when we receive a first heartbreak. And a second, and a third.

It’s ridiculous and useless when you think about it. Nothing really gets accomplished. But why do it? Why do we cry?

This is not going to be one of those psychology posts that explains scientifically why you cry, no. But deep down, you’re bound to know why you are crying, even without the scientific terms and jargon. And even if when people coerce you to tell them why, you don’t.

We cry to let people know that we are not okay. We are in pain, we are overwhelmed. And some kind of reassurance that everything is going to be okay is the expected response to the listeners. It’s kind of both a convenience and inconvenience if you think about it, there really is just no way to hide what you’re feeling unless you are really good at hiding them.

I’m alright.

But nowadays, it doesn’t happen that way, where people express an immediate response of empathy. People are being conditioned that crying is weak, and unappealing. Even women are not supposed to cry, in this age of feminism and women empowerment. Men are not exempted of this fact, even if women express that they love a man who can cry. And no, sweating through your eyes is not going to cut it.

We are supposed to strong independent individuals and we need to appear that way even if the darkest corners of your heart are craving for a good cry, a good shout that “Hey! I need some help!”

Because we are supposed to be strong. We are supposed to be strong enough to face whatever challenges overcome us.

I’m okay.

We are supposed to be fine. I cannot stress enough how bad that simple word appears. We have ended up in a world where people are only allowed to cry behind closed doors. Only to the closest of people that you know will empathize, and even those are already so hard to find.

We cry to let people know we are not okay. When we don’t, people will just pass by and think that we are, even if we are not.

And people will just pass by.

And feelings will be left unheard.

And you walk on, and you say that one line to yourself once more.

“I’m fine.”

Hit that restart button, will you?

There is always this one instance where you kind of regret something you’ve done. Knocking over a glass of milk on the carpet, skipping breakfast then becoming extremely hungry by lunch, or even sometimes, larger events with larger consequences. There is always that nagging wish to return to what was been. At least for me, anyways. But of course, we have to face the horrible truth…

Continue reading “Hit that restart button, will you?”

Perceptions On Beauty

I never really saw myself as an attractive person. In today’s standard of beauty, I could never have that confidence. But I guess this goes for all girls that care a significant amount about how people see them physically. It’s one of those things that are supposed to be looked at inwardly, something you complain about alone while looking at a mirror, but given the free-communications of the Internet, we can find that “why am i so…” on Google will bring up my point.

It’s been one of my long standing opinions that beauty is arbitrary. “In the eye of the beholder,” and all that. But sometimes, you can’t help but notice the small imperfect things about your physical appearance, that we feel a little… “too”.

Continue reading “Perceptions On Beauty”


The persona is a complicated system of relations between individual consciousness and society, fittingly enough a kind of mask, designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others, and, on the other, to conceal the true nature of the individual.

“The Relations between the Ego and the Unconscious” (1928). In CW 7: Two Essays on Analytical Psychology. C.G. Jung, P.305

Even if we are not on a masquerade party, or in a Halloween costume, we wear them. More often than we think, even. Each person we face, everyday, is talking to an aspect of you that cannot be seen by others. We act differently with our family, our colleagues, workmates, classmates and friends. Each one a side of you that you don’t often see.

Continue reading “Masks”